I’m OK

  
Brought into this world with intentions of love.

Torn apart by a broken family, left to mend my own wounds.

Chronically missing ones loving parent does take it’s toll.

Silent suffering; not knowing how to ask for help.

Masking the pain by not paying it any attention.

Turning the hurt into fuel for success.

Miss type A personality always doing her best.

Studious, athletic, over achiever, always look good; don’t let any one know, you must hide the wounds. 

The scars burn deep, it’s ok, no body will see.

No voice, no choice, always running away. Fleeing from the pain that creeps in everyday.

Sunday’s were the worst, I can’t tell you why. Setting up for another week of hard work; still denying my issues. Why did I push myself so hard?

Wake up, get As, go to practice and play games. How long will this last before I start to crack?

Slowly, slowly I reveal my weakness, crying tears I can’t explain why.

Uncontrollable sobbing, hiding out in the showers, locker rooms, and woods by the field.

No one will see just wipe your eyes and get through the day.

Crying everynight trying to understand the void. Missing my father and his love and attention. 

The void that I so desperately tried to comprehend; as a teen I could not wrap my head around the concept.

The idea that a child could thrive on her own, no sane parent to teach her the ways, only learning from books and special friends I spent with everyday.

You can’t rationalize the irrational.

The screaming, the yelling, the arguing was not ok, but to us it was a normal part of our day.

She did her best to fufill our basic needs, but something was lacking.

A mother daughter relationship that did not develope, unbeknownst to her she could have established the bond.

Retarded by her own fear and unsettled turmoil, she did the best she could. 

I deeply love her for her strength and try not to place blame.

I learned to be tough and to take care of myself.

I could not let a man take care of my needs, she raised me to never need their help.

Here I’m left too tough and belligerent from anger displaced on me from my own mother.

Conditioned behaviors are how you learn to cope; I yearned for my father and never lost hope.

Once I left home to college I went, never looking back but the struggles got worst.

 Always on the go, no time for myself. I took a big fall and never got back up.

The vice I was under kept squeezing so tight, I couldn’t breathe, the pain, turmoil, anger, sadness, feeling lost, helpless, confused, guilt, shame, emptiness.

I couldn’t stand this life, I tried so hard for no reason; only to keep my mind and heart occupied. 

The breakdowns were inevitable, like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

When will she understand that no one can go on the way she was living???

It wasn’t drugs, it was working too much, trying to prove how strong I could be, only to be left with that feeling of empty.

I dissociated into a reality that I could tolerate. Doctors, nurses, and pills that made me sick.

I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think, so skinny and pale. No one understood why I ended up so frail.

My dreams of college turned into a big fail. 

Home was never where I wanted to be,it was not a place to heal.

I was desperate and needed a father. The one my mother kept me from for 17 years. 

The most kind, loving, gentleman who called me honey bunch.

I love my dad so deeply it hurts, it was time to decide where my life would go next.

Packed up one suitcase and bought a one way flight, in hopes that the west coast would save me. 

Safe in my dads arms I landed. 

8 years of healing I have given to myself. My wonderful father has been here to help.

My dreams came true as tough as it was. 

I never gave up hope or lost sight of my goals.

I was shattered and crushed but came out ok. 

Now I’m a mother to a beautiful child.

God never left, he stood by my side.

Learning grace and soft words of love.

Healing may take a life time but I’m here to say; life isn’t always easy.

I made it this far; I’m doing ok.

I work my dream job and what can I say, I have nothing to complain about and give thanks everyday.

Now that I’m older; I turned my struggles into lessons and words of wisdom to others. 

Never give up, ever.

Ask for help.

Deep breathe and meditate.

Plan your day, but don’t take on too much.

Identify your triggers and keep grounded.

You can have a normal life.

I’m ok.

#traumasurvivor #mentalillnesssurvivor #lifelessons #fighter #writer #healing 

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