Pain may not be the best word to describe; the turmoil, dysfunction, the most fucked up lies.
My pain is my pain, it compares to no one else’s.
My scars are beautiful, yet drag me down.
Down to the place I visited most nights.
Sobbing, crying, screaming out for help.
No one there who saw me through, silently suffering and shattered to the core.
Abuse is love, that’s what I came to know.
Alone in trying to make sense of it all; this fucking pain.
Pain that I masked and tried to hide from all.
Pain that cut me deep to my core.
Pain that was inflicted in more ways than one.
Pain that I tried to shower with love; only left with unease at the end of each day.
Never feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Dissociating into a reality I could thrive in.
But I’ll never come up with the perfect place that I wish so desperately I could go.
Setting standards too high and falling short of my own expectations.
Dragged down by an unsupportive family that held me back.
I did the best I knew but in so many areas I did lack.
Left with this anger deep inside, only shown to those who I love.
Abuse changes you forever. It’s hard to address.
Years of suppression and denial.
I knew there was always something different about the way I was.
I never could understand why and hated myself.
Why was I subjected to the pain that cut me with wounds that bleed?
I sit in a trance staring into space, thoughts of paradise so far out of reach.
Take me away, take me now; I’m a flight risk don’t you try to stop me.
I hate it there in that place. The one where just a smell, a voice, a memory triggers me back.
Back to the times that are so deeply apart of me.
I wear this pain everyday of my life.
I try not to give it the attention it lusts.
Why, why, why.
I am angry because no one tried to protect me.
Blind to the abuse happening right under their noses.
Too nieve to think it would happen to their sweet daughter.
She’s so beautiful and has everything going for her, sure she’s fine just look at her face.
Smiling, motivated, striving to do her best.
Stuffing the memories deep down into my heart.
Into the chambers I’m sure that have gone dark.
The necrosis set in years ago, I’ve spent my life bleeding it out.
Somehow this heart still beats and conjures love.
I taught myself to pretend.
I lied and said I’ll be fine, smiles and giggles and a bubbly personality did shine.
It never made it better just took it off my mind.
I don’t know if there is anyone who will stay with me here.
Too tough, to hard, I can thrive on my own.
Only I hate that I’ve become this way.
Lacking in grace and sweet nothings to say.
Why the fuck do I still have hope, when it all just goes away.
Hope is something that has been such a tease.
So far out of reach, but always at the tip of my tongue.
Hoping for a miracle to take me away.
Rescue me from this place.
Who will stay?